Understanding Attachment Theory and Its Impact on Relationships and Society
Advice shared with my by Adam Lane Smith on a Podcast we had recently
When we are born, we can’t care for ourselves. From day one, we rely on others for everything. This fundamental need gives rise to questions about trust and reliability: Can I trust others to care for me? Will they be reasonable or arbitrary, supportive or hurtful? These questions form the basis of attachment theory, which explores how early interactions with caregivers shape our ability to form secure relationships.
As a father, I’m deeply invested in nurturing a secure attachment with my kids. When my son comes to me wanting a Godzilla action figure, I don’t dismiss him outright. Instead, we discuss it. Why does he want it? When would be a good time to get it? What can he do to earn it? This collaborative approach ensures his needs are met while teaching him about patience and effort. Similarly, when he asks for ice cream, it’s not a simple yes or no. We talk about the appropriateness of having ice cream and how it can fit into a balanced lifestyle.
This method of parenting fosters secure attachment, where children learn that their needs and feelings are valid and will be addressed thoughtfully. Unfortunately, this is not the norm for many. Research indicates that only 35% of Gen Z adults have secure attachments. The remaining 65% struggle with insecure attachment, either feeling perpetually unloved and unworthy or constantly seeking approval. This insecure attachment manifests as either anxious or avoidant behaviour, with a small percentage displaying a disorganised attachment style.
The prevalence of insecure attachment has been increasing across generations. About 50% of millennials and 35% of boomers also suffer from insecure attachment, highlighting a growing trend that correlates with societal instability and resource scarcity. As families break down and social structures weaken, these attachment issues become more pronounced.
Fatherhood plays a crucial role in this dynamic. In the United States, approximately 17 million families are fatherless. This staggering number underscores a crisis in family structure. Fatherlessness is linked to numerous social issues, including a high incidence of mass shootings, with over 99% of shooters coming from fatherless homes. The reasons for fatherlessness are varied: some fathers walk away, others lose custody due to biased legal systems, and many children are born into single-mother households resulting from transient relationships.
This decay of the family unit is not new; it’s been worsening since the early 20th century. Wars, economic upheavals, and social changes have progressively eroded family structures. Today, most modern generations have little experience with stable, functioning families, contributing to the 65% insecure attachment rate among Gen Z.
The collapse of the family is both a cause and a symptom of wider societal issues. As we navigate these challenges, understanding and addressing attachment theory and family dynamics is crucial. By fostering secure attachments within our families and communities, we can begin to rebuild trust and stability, creating a more resilient society for future generations.
You can watch the full clip below